Dunkin: You Don’t Run EVERYTHING

Dear Krispy Kreme,

Dunkin’, how did it make you feel when I referred to you by the wrong name? Unsettling, I imagine.

This afternoon you again cleverly replaced four bucks from my bank account with a refreshing beverage. Your iced coffees are magical and I’m deffo under their thrall. I stopped into your location at 2420 West Bethany Home Road in Phoenix where the java wench cheerfully handed me my afternoon fix.

Feeling peckish, I then asked for an old fashioned donut and immediately ventured out to Fry (my truck) to retrieve the requisite two bucks. I paid, jacked the snack sack and hit the track. A mile later I reached into the bag and retrieved… a plain, unfrosted cake donut! (Doh!)

I zipped manically across three lanes of traffic, nearly causing a large truck to kill me in the process and exited at Indian School Road, retraced the two miles and returned the wrong donut. I donut know the employee’s name, but she was very professional when she explained to me that the donut I meant to order is called a “sour cream donut.”

Dunkin’ has made impressive strides since the 90’s. I wouldn’t set foot in one back then. They were dirty and the donuts somehow tasted like cigarette ash. Now they’re clean and nice and I’m in there like it’s my job. While America probably does run on Dunkin, this still doesn’t give Dunkin the power to re-name a timeless classic.

I confirmed that the plain cake donut is indeed what Dunkin refers to as an Old Fashioned.

Go ahead — do an online image search for “old fashioned donut.”  I’ll wait. There are a couple of exceptions, but the results overwhelmingly indicate that at least 95% of us hold a proper, time-honored  understanding of what constitutes an old fashioned donut.

No matter how successful or innovative they are, car companies don’t call their pickup trucks “vans,” appliance companies don’t call refrigerators “ovens” and donut companies shouldn’t call plain cake donuts “old fashioneds.”

This failed company policy cost me an estimated sixty cents in fuel, 12 minutes in time and $148,650 in mental anguish. I’ll gladly accept my recompense in free iced coffees and/or Old Fashioned donuts (not to be confused with unfrosted, plain cake donuts which no one in his right mind would ever eat).

Sincerely,

–Scott Lamber

Submitted to dunkindonuts.com on April 2, 2024 at 9:16 p.m.

Hello Scott Lamber,

Thank you for contacting Dunkin.

We’re sorry to hear about the issue you experienced! We want every restaurant experience to be a great one, and we’d like to have this addressed for you. As you may know, a majority of Dunkin’ restaurants are individually owned and operated, and we will notify the owner of this location of your experience. We appreciate your feedback, and we insist that your next item be on us.

We have attached a single-use $3.00 coupon to this email to use towards your next visit at 2420 W. Bethany Home Rd, Phoenix, AZ 85015. Guest satisfaction is a top priority for our brand and franchisees, and we hope you’ll give Dunkin’ another chance and come back again soon.

Please note, this offer cannot be combined with other offers, coupons, or discounts, and is not available in the Dunkin’ app.

QR Code# 99537301761344965769

Expiration Date : 2024-05-15

Received on Wednesday, April 3, 2024 at 4:07a. (I used my coupon on Thursday, April 4, 2024!)

Starbucks: Expiring Bonus Stars: UPDATED

Dear Disciples of Herman Melville,

I love your vaguely nautical themed beanery and all it offers. The coffee is delectable, the environment generally pleasant. As a bonus, the mermaids who work here are often hot (but I keep it classy and don’t hit on / creep on them).

I go through Starbucks “spurts.” I’ll wind up on one of your vessels once or twice per week for two or three months, then might go two or three months without climbing aboard a caffeine schooner, navigating the tasty brown surf in search of the elusive vanilla cappuccino latte, your signature mermaid carved from salt-sprayed hardwood on the bowsprit.

While my praise is effusive, there’s a complaint nagging at me like a grog hangover – it’s your expiring rewards points, called STARS of course.

I haven’t done the math, but there’s a certain dollar amount I can spend here that will translate to a free product. Whatever amount that is, at some point I WILL spend that amount, which I definitely will call “Star bucks.” The obvious trouble with your system is that stars EXPIRE. Given my sure and ongoing patronage, I should accumulate enough points over time to harpoon the occasional reward. As it is, I’ve been a REWARDS member for several years. In that time I have never seen a reward, and don’t expect that I ever will unless you pull into drydock and make the necessary repairs to your current system.

Economically, times are tough. Your delicious caffeinated drinks reliably put wind in my sails. I hope your Rewards program can ultimately do so as well.

Queequeg,

–Scott Lamber

Submitted to customerservice.starbucks.com on February 8, 2024 at 5:52 p.m.

Hi Daniel,

Thank you for contacting Starbucks. I just finished reading your email and appreciate you taking the time to share your concerns with us.

Before continuing with your case, I hope you and your family are in good health, and all your projects and goals are successfully fulfilled for you.

Dear Daniel, thank you for your pretty word and for being a loyal customer, on another hand, I’m sorry to hear you couldn’t use your Stars before their expiration date. As a customer myself, I understand how important it is to take advantage of the Starbucks Reward Program. I’m glad you reached us, so I can make this right for you!

Please keep in mind that Stars expire six months after they are earned on the first of the month at 11:59:59 p.m. Pacific time, if you live in the east zone, you will see your Stars expire on the second day of the month. This time I’ve added the 5.75 expired Stars for you as one time courtesy. You should see them reflected within 24 hours on your balance.

For reference, you have 4.45 Stars expiring on March 1st, 2024. We recommend making use of your Stars before they expire. We hope you can make the most out of them next time you use them.

On the other hand, if you aren’t sure when your Stars are expiring, or how many you have, you can track them in the Starbucks mobile app, or in the Stars Expiring section of History when logged into your Starbucks Rewards account on the web.

In the Starbucks mobile app, Select Home > Details > Scroll down to the Stars expiring soon section to view upcoming Star expiration dates as well as Stars that recently expired. Also, the mobile app will have a seven-day warning for expiring Stars and you can check Star expiration dates on the history tab of the Starbucks Mobile app.

Additionally, an email will be sent to those opted into email notifications on the first Wednesday of each month informing customers with the number of upcoming Stars set to expire the first of the following month.

Please remember that I am more than glad to assist you, and your feedback is important to us, I would like to know your comments, you will receive a survey about this interaction, and will be very important for us, to know your comments for improve my customer service for you.

Thanks again for writing us. If you ever have any questions or concerns in the future, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. Have a lovely night!

Sincerely,
Mary C.
Starbucks Customer Care.
——————————————————————————–
Visit us online at www.Starbucks.com.

Ref:MSG8901313_FcqbxYswklz4iEIW3UzU

Received on Thursday, February 8, 2024 at 7:04 p.m.

I downgraded the rating on the quality of reply because I’m 90% certain it’s AI generated (based on some of the wording).

Campbell’s Soup: I Screwed You Over

(the recipe was pretty good and can be found HERE. I don’t know where you’d get the solid gold table service, though.)

Dear Campbell’s,

I discovered your soups at an early age and have been spooning, slurping and soup-supping around ever since.

A few days ago it was supper time and I searched the Goog for easy recipes. I found your “Swedish Meatballs” recipe on campbells.com and thought it seemed like just what the “doktor” ordered. I bought the ingreeds, went home and went positively meatballs on family dinner.

Reflecting on the events that led to my full stomach, I realized that I bought “Great Value” brand soup instead of Campbell’s! What a schlimazel I must be! Here your fine company promulgates a straightforward recipe that allows me to Swede out with ease, shares that recipe with me for free and I don’t even support your company by utilizing Campbell’s brand soupage in the gravy.

Campbell’s, you were shortchanged. Why ELSE would you put that recipe out there if not to drive demand for your product?! I don’t know how much your profit is on a can of mushroom soup, but however much it is, I hereby admit financial liability for that loss to your institution. Please accept my apology and offer of remuneration.

I await your invoice and will willingly and promptly remit the funds upon receipt.

Keep up the good work, Campbell’s!

–Scott Lamber

P.S. – I bet wood ducks get really tired of people asking “how much wood could a wood duck chuck if a wood duck could chuck wood” when no, that’s a wood CHUCK. Geez,  what the chuck, people.

 Submitted via campbells.com on Friday, January 19, 2024 at 2:05 p.m.

Scott Lamber,

Thank you for letting us know how much you enjoy our Campbell’s® soup! We strive to create memorable experiences with great-tasting quality food, and we love to hear that our product brought joy to your day.

We have shared your kind words with the rest of our team.

As a token of our thanks, please accept the coupon we have mailed, which should arrive within 10 business days to use toward your next purchase of your favorite Campbell’s® product.

Thanks again for brightening our day too!

Sincerely,

Rachel W.

Consumer Care

Ticket: 5455936

Received on Monday, January 22, 2024 at 8:24 a.m.

Golden Gate Bridge

Dear bridge people,

I’ve been across the golden gate bridge, and think it’s just smashing. I googled it, and I understand it’s called “Golden Gate” because John Fremont named the waterway which it spans the “Golden Gate Strait.”

I originally planned to criticize the bridge because it’s neither Golden nor a gate. Had I done so, I imagine you would then  describe Mr. Fremont’s naming legacy in your reply as if that explains it. But guess what: the WATER isn’t golden or a gate either! 

So it’s still just as inane. 

Also, with San Francisco being such a gay city, should the waterway really be called a Strait?!

What am I missing here? 

In the meantime, perhaps you could paint the bridge with something a bit more durable, like those garage floor coatings, truck bed liner stuff or gum so your painting crews could get a rest for once.

That’s all the time I have. I’m going to go drive Lyft in my car, named Jerry’s Driveway because that’s what someone in history named the thing below it.

Please write back.

–Scott Lamber

P.S. – Have you had Popeye’s Chicken? It’s chicken, a land animal, named after a sailor man renowned for his love of  spinach.

Sent on January 4, 2024 at 7:48p

Still waiting for a reply

Hunt’s “100% Natural” Ketchup

Dear Hunts,

I’m a big fan. I love your ketchup, Helen Hunt and hunting in general! Keep up the good work. Your competitors will have to really hustle to “catch up” with you.

My fridge contains a bottle of your “100% Natural Tomato Ketchup.” At least once per week, my stomach contains some too. It’s great on hot dogs, fries and the like.

In these difficult environmental times, it’s good to know that you’re out there sustainably harvesting Natural ketchup instead of making it in some plant in Naperville, Illinois or someplace non-natural like that. I also imagine that you’re putting people to work harvesting ketchup from bat hives all over. Like I always say, bats are the bees of the night. 

So keep fighting the good fight! Do you have other similar “natural” products that I can eat or whatever?

Thanks!

–Scott Lamber

P.S. – Is there soup for cats? If not, you might consider making that.

Submitted via CONTACT US page on 7/18/2023 at 6:18 p.m.

Their website immediately made me a promise:

Hi Scott,

Thanks for letting us know you’re a fan of our HUNTS KETCHUP PRODUCT.

Your feedback is extremely valuable and we’ll be sure to share this with our HUNT’S team and appreciate that you shared your photos with us.

As a thank you for sharing your thoughts, we are sending you a coupon to the address you gave to us. Your coupon should arrive in the mail in about 7 to 10 business days. As a reminder, please be sure to redeem your coupon before the expiration date as we are unable to replace expired coupon.

We have many other brands which you can choose from, we request you to visit our website conagrabrands.com.

Thanks again for reaching out!

Kindly,

Conagra Brands Consumer Care

Case: 064878251-877-CONAGRA (1-877-266-2472)

http://www.conagrabrands.comConagra Brands * Chicago, IL 60654

ref:_00D80cIJR._5008a2F1v3t:ref

I received the email reply on July 19, 2023 at 11:14 a.m.

While the reply is a little generic, they kicked ass as far as being responsive goes. I hope Russell and Windsor is paying attention, as they still haven’t replied to this letter, despite promising to do so within 48 hours.

Ice is Food! (The Donner Party Didn’t Know)

Dear PackagedIce.org,

First let me say, I’m a big fan of ice this time of the year. We need more of it around these parts as it seems that Hell itself is yawning around the city. Your organization may be uniquely positioned to slow global warming. I stave it off each afternoon with an iced coffee.

I purchased a sack of frozen water chunks (Reddy Ice) recently and as always was satisfied with its purity and freezefulness. One thing caught my attention that I don’t remember seeing before: the official seal for the International Packaged Ice Association (IPIA) and what I presume is your slogan (All ice should be this good!).

Then in LARGE block letters across the top of the seal you’ve written “ICE IS FOOD.”

Is it?

It seems that the Donner expedition would’ve ended a lot differently if ice is food.

What am I missing here?

Please write back and set me straight, and maybe enclose the nutritional information for the ice your member companies sell. Thanks.

Stay cool!

–Scott Lamber

P.S. – I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice.

Submitted to packagedice.org on 07/16/2023 at 11:15p

Hi Scott,

Thank you for your email.
Regarding our “Ice is Food” slogan – the FDA’s Food Code does include ice as a food since it’s a product that is consumed. Exact definition, per the FDA: “Food” means a raw, cooked, or processed edible substance, ice, beverage, or ingredient used or intended for use or for sale in whole or in part for human consumption, or chewing gum.  (https://www.fda.gov/food/buy-store-serve-safe-food/fda-regulates-safety-packaged-ice)

The IPIA believes that ice should be treated as a food and subject to the same rules, regulations, safety protocols, etc. – and very often, it is not.  Which is why our members are audited in accordance with our strict Packaged Ice Quality Control Standards.  Upon passing the audit, manufacturing plants are accredited according to these standards as manufacturing safe ice using food grade materials and stringent food safety guidelines.  Only IPIA’s audited and accredited manufacturing members may use our seal on their bags bearing the “Ice is Food” tagline.

Hopefully this helps!

Received via email on Monday, July 17, 2023 at 1:38 p.m.

Can I Be Banned From Russia Too?

Dear Mr. Ben Stiller,

I recently learned that you were personally sanctioned by Russia along with actor Sean Penn. 

What an honor! Out of all 300+ million people in America, only 25 were chosen for banishment. You’re in an elite group!

While you’ll never be allowed entry to that one country, there are still more than TWO HUNDRED other nations to choose from, most of which I bet will welcome you with open turnstiles. Plus lots of people enter America unauthorizedly, so maybe you can just walk into Russia the same way if you really want to check it out.

I’ve actually been to Russia. I’m not going to lie, it was pretty cool as long as you don’t order their pizza. You’d think they’re nearer to Italy than we are and would therefore more closely adhere to the formula but no they douse it with too much dill, not enough cheese and half a green tomato plunked down right in the center like a hub cap.

If you’d like to get together I can dig up the photos I took, and maybe we can have some coffee. There’s a little place called Starbucks right down the street (they actually have THREE locations!). It’s got this sea woman on the sign and the coffee tastes burnt, but in a good way like french kissing a hot cigar smoking mermaid.

The photos of Russia are from 1991, and most are actually from Kazakhstan but we wandered around Red Square and St. Basil’s Cathedral on the way to Kazakhstan. 

By the way, I caught your movie Duplex on cable TV one time and thought it was fantastic. And really, I think you’ve got a good head of hair. It seems thick and lush like a horse’s mane as it charges nobly across the sand bearing a wounded prince back to the castle kicking up a fine salt spray as the waves flatten out around its majestic hoofery.

Sincerely,

–Scott Lamber

P.S. – does it seem weird that jam flows fairly easily from the jar, but when traffic gets congested and doesn’t flow well we call it a jam? We should maybe call it a traffic jelly instead. 

This letter was sent to Ben Stiller’s booking agent via the USPS in March 2023. I’m still…er…waiting for a reply.

Elf Shit Cookies

Dear Keebler Deeblers,

I drive a truck for a living. At day’s end I like to unwind with a beer and some cookies, because I’m classy AF.

I’ll admit it—I used to buy Chips Ahoy. It seems like an area the size of Poughkeepsie is devoted to freaking Chips Ahoy.

After several Ahoy packages, I realized they don’t live up to the hype. I opted for some Keebler Chips Deluxe. Holy crap, CD is so much better! But man, they’re always tucked away in some backwater corner of the shelving by some dumb cookie no one ever buys, like Lorna Doone or those maple cookies.

As CD is such an obviously superior cookie, you should be torpedoing the competition’s chips. CD should realize cookial superiority! It seems you have a marketing problem. I know I can never remember the name “Chips Deluxe” when I’m shopping. While accurate, it lacks that certain ZING. While Chips Ahoy is dumb, it’s memorable.

I was discussing this important topic with Mike the other day and he said that he heard that you guys are ON TOP of this issue and have a new name in the works—ELF SHIT.

I’m speechless. It’s PERFECT.

Please let me know when you’re going to roll out this new name. I want to become an ELF SHIT brand ambassador, join the street team, be part of the SQUAD that will proclaim to the world that Keebler ELF SHIT is the SHIT! Put me in coach, I’m ready to play.

Send a bumper sticker or something! Please let me know when I can buy a package with the new name.

Your honorary Keebler elf,

–Scott Lamber

Sent on February/6, 2023 at 3:27p via Keebler’s CONTACT US link

February 08, 2023

Hello Scott and thank you for taking the time contact us. We appreciate that you took the time to voice your suggestion regarding our Ferrero product.

At Ferrero, we are continuously working to improve our products, packaging and offerings. Meeting our consumers needs in a meaningful way is very important to us.

Through market research, including direct consumer contacts like yours, we have the opportunity to hear what consumers are looking for. Thank you for providing this insight to us! 

We hope you continue to enjoy our delicious products.

Sincerely,
Ferrero Consumer Relations

Hi, 

Thanks for your thorough and articulate reply specifically answering each of my queries. It’s customer service like this that defines a company.

I couldn’t help but notice that the bottom of the email has the following admonition: 

“THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN GENERATED BY FERRERO CARE. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE.”

 This raises a number of questions.

1. Why can’t I delete the email? Is there a penalty? A negative consequence?

2. Why does Ferrero get to determine whether or not I’m allowed to delete an email you sent to me? Didn’t you GIVE me the email? Therefore, isn’t it mine to do with as I please?

What the hell, Ferrero.

–Scott Lamber

Sent on February 16, 2023 at 4:21 p.m.

(NO REPLY YET)

Bottom Ramen? Middle Ramen?

Dear Nissin,

I thought I didn’t really like ramen until I tasted Nissin! People tried to tell me what I was missin’ but I didn’t listen.

My query: The package says “Top Ramen.” On the surface this seems right, as Nissin is tops in my book. But the word TOP implies other grades. Is there bottom ramen? Where would I obtain bottom or middle ramen? Because I’d like to try them. 

Why? Just as you can’t properly appreciate sirloin until you’ve had chuck, I’m afraid I won’t know just HOW good Nissin Top Ramen is without comparison. Heaven is made so much sweeter by a brief stint in Hell. 

Keep up the good work you sexy noodle poodles.

–Scott Lamber

P.S. – Because they’re rich in vitamin A carrots should be used for the eyes on a snowman, not the nose. I think a yam or a baby red potato would make a better nose anyway. But it’s probably a mistake to give Frosty a corncob pipe because pipe smoke is probably bad for his torso ball. Plus he’s definitely underage.

sent 12/17/2022 at 10:58p via their website’s CONTACT link

2022 Lamber Letters Hall of Fame

The following were the most-viewed letters in 2021. Enjoy!

1. QuikTrip – Po’Boy sandwiches – Mo’ people saw this fo’ sho’. It had views galo’.
2. Armpit Hair Donation – I tried to make a unique contribution.
3. Joe Biden: Take Over Liberia – It would make them so happy!
4. Bikini condoms – letter to the gas station – Sometimes, less is more.
5. Ross – Nice Pillows! – Ross got me one step closer to “glamping.”
6. YOU SHOULDN’T OWN WOMEN – A women-owned business is just WRONG.
7. Pepperidge Farm – Goldfish Snacks Without Faces – A guest writer worries about faceless goldfish.
8. Donald Trump: Business Shutdown – Business owners sarcastically look to Mr. Trump for advice.
9. Live Debt Tree? – It’s probably fertilized with the blood of people in debt.
10. Coca Cola: I Can’t “Share A Coke With Tiffany” – “I’m supposed to share … with Tiffany, but the restraining order pretty much makes that impossible. What should I do?”

There are more than 200 (maybe more than 300!) Lamber Letters on this page. This blog page alone can get you through MONTHS of your boring job/relationship!