Dawn Duckling Shampoo

Dear Dawn Soap People,

I have seen your ad several times where a kind man uses Dawn liquid soap to cleanse an oil-slicked baby duck, presumably the victim of a drunken tanker captain or a game of high-stakes “chicken of the sea” gone terribly wrong. By the end of the ad Ducky-Doo is restored to its cute-and-fluffy state. I find myself wanting to cuddle it, even knowing that it will probably poo on my shirt.

I’m happy for the duck and for the man who cleanses her from all of that oil. I imagine that Dawn isn’t limited to ducks, but can probably cleanse a wide array of waterfowl that have also become as unfortunately crudificated.

But I do not have any petrol-fouled fowl. It seems that the use of Dawn must be limited to a very specialized group of animal rescuers. As so much advertising is targeted these days, I wonder why I, a resident of central Arizona am seeing an ad for a wildlife demucker?

Does your product have any other uses that I should be aware of? I’ve pondered this, but nothing “dawns” on me.

I look forward to your reply. Please give Dawn my regards. I hope she’s well. I’m happy to report that things are quite ducky here.

–Scott Lamber

P.S. Has a duck ever been to space? Do you think space needs saving? 

Submitted via Dawn’s CONTACT US form on Thursday, July 27, 2023 at 11:32 p.m.

Hi Scott,

I appreciate the time that you have taken to reach out to Dawn. I am happy to help. 

Although we’re proud of Dawn’s role over the last 25 years, cleaning up wildlife affected by oil spills, the cleanup is complicated and performed by professionals in bird and wildlife organizations. They understand the delicate balance required to remove the contamination while increasing their chances for survival. To learn more about Dawn Helps Save Wildlife, please visit http://www.dawn-dish.com/us/dawn/savingwildlife.

Dawn Ultra Original dishwashing liquid or Dawn Platinum dishwashing liquid can be used for the following alternate uses:

• To clean hand tools
• As a laundry pre-treater
• To remove grease stains from clothing
• To clean stainless steel appliances
• To clean a microwave
• To clean a greasy stove top
• To clean glass top stove
• To clean a sink
• To clean greasy kitchen cabinets
• To clean tire rims & wheels
• To clean porcelain or China dishes
  • Instructions for Porcelain or China Dishes: For greasy buildup, line your sink with a towel, hold the china or porcelain piece at its sturdiest spot, and wash in warm water and dishwashing liquid. Use a soft sponge and scrub only where there are stains, and air-dry the items on a towel-lined surface.
• Dawn dishwashing liquid is safe for washing plastic and can be used to wash your car. Our official instructions on how to do so is as follows:
  
  • To remove grease and oil from external surfaces of car, add a teaspoon of Dawn to a gallon of hot water.
  • Dip a soft sponge into the bucket, and squeeze out any excess suds and water.
  • Scrub until all grease has been removed from the car surface. Do not use on unfinished Cast Aluminum.
  • Rinse with clean water, and dry with a soft towel.
  • Test in an inconspicuous area to ensure no damage to the external surface.
  • Do not allow wash solution to remain on surfaces for extended period of time due to possibility of damage. This is not expected, but is possible if surface is already compromised.

 Please visit https://dawn-dish.com/en-us/how-to-clean/how-to-clean to find details on each alternate use.

I hope this is helpful, Scott. Please let us know if you need anything else. 

P.S. I haven’t a heard about a duck going to space! 
 

Kirsten

Dawn Team

Need to get back in touch?  Please do not change the subject line, just hit reply.  This makes sure we receive your message.

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Received via email on Sunday, July 30, 2023 at 12:44 p.m.

I Want A Child To Fix My Teeth

Dear Aurora Youth Dentistry,

I plan to Aurora things up in your community in a couple of months on an extended work trip (dolphin industry).

I’m looking for an affordable dentist just in case my tooth breaks again while I’m there. As it appears that your dentists are children, I imagine the cost of the dental work is considerably less than when the work is performed by grownups.

Do you accept cash for treatment? I generally keep a large stack of cash in my flannel for emergencies, food, fuel, strip clubs, etc.

While I don’t anticipate any issues with my oral health, thank you in advance for helping put a “dent” in any tooth issues that may beset my pearly white little “rocky mountains” while I’m up there getting “rocky mountain high,” in between my various work commitments.

Gracias,

Scott Lamber

P.S. – Have you tried those flavored marshmallows? I think they need to make a Steel Reserve beer flavored one.

Submitted to their CONTACT US form on 7/25/2023 at 8:26 p.m. They promised to “get in touch … shortly.”

I’m sure it won’t be much longer! When they reply, I’ll post it here.

Plantations BAD!

Dear Marquee Paper,

I have a box of your exquisite paper slices out in my laundry room. I find your paper to be paperfully papery in the most paperful way paperble.

While I’ve been completely satisfied with your product, I became concerned when I noticed the seal on the end of the box that says ”PAPER FROM 100% PLANTATION FIBER.”

Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard that the 13^th Amendment went through on December 6, 1865. But man, plantations are not ticketyboo these days.

Farms, ranches, agricultural co-ops? Sure. Even factory farms are okay despite being super problematic for a lot of reasons.

But Abraham Lincoln on a popsicle stick—plantations?!? I don’t think so.

For the time being I will purchase non-plantation paper. I have to go now though. I have a couple of errands to run before I pick up my child from her after-school job at the glue factory.

Freedomfully,

–Scott Lamber, woke citizen  

P.S. – Do you ever eat La Preferida brand canned frijoles? It seems like something you guys would support. 

Sent via email <info@libertypp.com> on 7/19/2023 at 4:42 p.m.

Dear Scott,

I’m happy to report, and Webster has confirmed, a plantation is, “a usually large group of plants and especially trees under cultivation.” 

Please do not let the word frighten you any longer!

Had our paper been produced predating 1865, then I would digitally stand beside you and let my emails be heard for all to read! However, with it being the 21st century, you can rest easy knowing that in this context, a plantation is nothing more than a tree farm or better yet, a responsible way to produce pulp for paper. The alternative to this would be cutting down acres upon acres of natural forests, which you would indirectly be supporting should you start buying non-plantation paper, and from the brief time we’ve spent together here today, you are better than that. 

Respectfully,

AJ Rank, an employee of a responsible, minority owned, distributor of copy paper. 

PS – Please move your copy paper out of your laundry room. It is far too humid in there as excess moisture in the air can affect the top notch performance our product delivers. 

Reply received via email on Wednesday, July 19 at 6:33 p.m.

My New Garbage Disposal

Dear InSinkErator,

I just removed my old InSinkErator garbage disposal because it was leaking nasty swamp juice all over the cabinet. The outside of the old unit said it had a three-year warranty, but we’ve lived here for nine years, and that mofo was already installed when we bought the place. So I think it probably lasted at least a decade. That’s some good workmanship right there.

But to my main point. The new unit boasts that it is a “space saver.” In what way does space need saving, and how will your product accomplish that? And really, to hell with space! I don’t really care if Saturn collides with Jupiter and they both careen off into the sun or whatever. None of that would affect me. (But I’d like to watch!)

I guess my only real issue would be if the InSinkErator flies off into space on some space-saving mission or whatever (“Help me Obi-Wan InSinkErator, you’re my only hope!”), because it took me two hours to install the damn thing and I imagine I’d have to re-do the whole process assuming it survives reentry into Earth’s atmosphere.

By Grabthar’s Hammer, I really want to know.

Spacially,

Scott Lamber

P.S. Have you seen that ad for Dawn dish soap where a hapless little baby duck is coated in oil and muck, presumably from the Exxon Valdez or something and a very kind man uses Dawn to restore it to its yellow fluffy cuddly state? I wonder if it wouldn’t just be easier to put that little guy down an InSinkErator. I don’t think there’s any shortage of ducks. So what would be the harm?

Submitted via InSinkErator’s CONTACT US form on July 27, 2023 at 11:26 p.m.

Hello Scott,

Thanks for your email. 
I’m sorry to hear about the old disposer. It has lasted a long time. For your new disposer, the space saving design is perfect for small households and families who don’t cook as much or for restricted cabinet space.

Should you have questions or concerns with the disposer in the future, feel free to contact us so we can help you.

Regards,

Faith
Consumer Specialist

Comments? Questions? We’re happy to help! Text us! 262.233.2231 Or, find us here: US: InSinkErator.com | 1.800.558.5700 CA: InSinkErator.ca | 1.800.561.1700 UK: InSinkErator.co.uk | 0800.389.3715

CU-I

Reply received via email on Friday, July 28 at 12:27 p.m.