Dear Marquee Paper,
I have a box of your exquisite paper slices out in my laundry room. I find your paper to be paperfully papery in the most paperful way paperble.
While I’ve been completely satisfied with your product, I became concerned when I noticed the seal on the end of the box that says ”PAPER FROM 100% PLANTATION FIBER.”
Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard that the 13th Amendment went through on December 6, 1865. But man, plantations are not ticketyboo these days.
Farms, ranches, agricultural co-ops? Sure. Even factory farms are okay despite being super problematic for a lot of reasons.
But Abraham Lincoln on a popsicle stick—plantations?!? I don’t think so.
For the time being I will purchase non-plantation paper. I have to go now though. I have a couple of errands to run before I pick up my child from her after-school job at the glue factory.
Freedomfully,
–Scott Lamber, woke citizen
P.S. – Do you ever eat La Preferida brand canned frijoles? It seems like something you guys would support.
Sent via email <info@libertypp.com> on 7/19/2023 at 4:42 p.m.
Dear Scott,
I’m happy to report, and Webster has confirmed, a plantation is, “a usually large group of plants and especially trees under cultivation.”
Please do not let the word frighten you any longer!
Had our paper been produced predating 1865, then I would digitally stand beside you and let my emails be heard for all to read! However, with it being the 21st century, you can rest easy knowing that in this context, a plantation is nothing more than a tree farm or better yet, a responsible way to produce pulp for paper. The alternative to this would be cutting down acres upon acres of natural forests, which you would indirectly be supporting should you start buying non-plantation paper, and from the brief time we’ve spent together here today, you are better than that.
Respectfully,
AJ Rank, an employee of a responsible, minority owned, distributor of copy paper.
PS – Please move your copy paper out of your laundry room. It is far too humid in there as excess moisture in the air can affect the top notch performance our product delivers.
Reply received via email on Wednesday, July 19 at 6:33 p.m.
The Lamber Letters 